Toast for Elizabeth and Will Murphy

(With apologies to the official Best Man, Sean Murphy)

Hi, everybody, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Joe Vaughan, the father of the bride. Today, I get the honor of toasting the wedding couple. No, I'm not the best man.. the "best" man is, of course, Will Murphy.

Today, I get the honor of toasting the wedding couple. But first, I need to tell a small joke, give a little advice, and then give the toast, which I hope you all will join me in.

I had planned to tell the joke about the three rings.. you know,

What are the three most important rings in a husband's life?

1. The engagement ring.
2. The wedding ring.
3. Suffering.

But I'm not going to tell that joke, because during the wedding ceremony, the preacher reminded me of an important question that I must ask you:

How many wives can an American man have?
No.. not one, but sixteen:

Yes, "four richer" "four poorer" four better" and "four worse"

Sorry about that.

And now for the advice:

To keep your marriage brimming,
with love in the wedding cup,
whenever you're wrong, admit it,
whenever you're right, shut the hell up!

Here's a little more advice just for Will:

Will, take Elizabeth's hand,
and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it,
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand!

Now, for the toast:

May you never lie, cheat, or drink.

But if you must lie, lie down with each other, and comfort each other.

And if you must cheat, cheat death and live a long and prosperous life.

And if you must drink, drink with us, for we all love you
and wish you both all the love and happiness that you both deserve!

....................................................................................................

(For more about the wedding, see my previous post.)